Illusions;

perfect night for a dance in the moonlight;
he held her so close she could barely breathe.
but a promise doesn't mean anything anymore;
moving in circles, twirling her around/
eyes sparkling so bright, rivaled only by the thousand stars smiling down on them.
i never told you everything;
a dip in the ice cold thoughts in her mind/
a swim in the fires of his soul.
i am drawing pictures i'm evading;
the musical symphonies erupting between them
echo/echo/echo
in the silence of the night.
there's something magic about her;
something so tragic about her;
wouldn't you agree? 
illuminations.
can you see it? can you picture perfection?
i can't.
the water's rising up/ surrounding the lies of an infallible love.
drowning.
choking.
gone.
there's Music in the air, it makes the sorrow go;
let the Music take you there, far from the world you know.

You're Welcome;

The Blues;

Cantis;

1; all we seem to do is talk about sex
2; but my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
3; we all got old at breakneck speed
4; so you're standing in the parking lot of life/and you're trying to figure out your fate tonight
5; i don't love you baby/ i don't need you baby/ i don't want to love you anymore
6; you are my life/  i don't deserve you/ but you love me all the same
7; i'd rather be alone than let you ferment in my bones
8; there is consolation in the human failure of our dreams
9; give me therapy/ i'm a walking travesty/ but i'm smiling at everything
10; the color of your heart is so cold
11; i'll be fine i swear/i'm just gone beyond repair
12; & i'm just a shadow of your thoughts in me
13; run from the one who you know that you love
14; from the corner of my eye/ thought i saw a light shine
15; you let her go
16; hounds in my head
17; i stole my personality from an anonymous source
18; cuz i'm here wondering/ what could you be thinking
19; but don't mind me/ i'm just a parasite on your mind
20; old souls found a new religion/ now we swimming in that sin/ baptism
21; i think no one understands
22; i fell in love with a daydream
23; but on good days, i am charming as fuck
24; انت السم و الدواء

Insecurities;

you're a liar if you say you're over it. I never wanted to still be sitting here, still hung up over everything and anything. i've been thinking that i think too much. i do, i really really do. and i don't know why. i want to see you, but i can't. i won't. i can't. everything's a mess again, but when is it not? this smile plastered on my face is starting to crack and people are starting to notice. i'm panicking, i need help holding up this weight on my shoulders, my knees are buckling. this is it, i'm falling. boom splat. breathe. breathe. remember the light. this is me looking into your head. I've cut through your skull already; it's all a matter of interpretation. what does your mind hold? am i in there? was i ever? if i say i was, then i'm self centered. if i say i'm not, then i have low self esteem. which i don't. but i do. i'm very indecisive today. i don't even think i liked purple until you linked it to me. i wasn't chill until you made me chill. i wasn't a user until you used me; cycles. i wasn't a bitch until i decided that i don't have time to be nice to everyone. i'm a wild card. but so were all of you. where do they all vanish to? if only you knew my story, the things i don't say, the thoughts i think. maybe then you wouldn't disappear on me. and you, all of you, one of you, none of you, i hope you'll one day find happiness. no i don't. i'm so close to naming the lot of you on here. and i'm so mad, mad all the time for you leaving me in the lurch. and it just keeps happening to me. over and over and over and over. i open up, you shut the door. and i want to be heartless, i need to shut the feelings out. but fuck it, i can't. i never learn, never will. just talk to me before i lose my mind. 

Runaways;

well i set out to write a post but then realized that this song actually says it all;

Untitled;

words.
they're always in my head. the words you said; the ones you didn't; the ones you haven't yet.
time travel hasn't been invented yet, right?
because i want to go back, i need to.
But it feels like there's oceans
Between you & me.
i don't know, i'm rambling again.
i have this terrible habit of self-destructing & i'm terrified that i'll detonate any minute.  
there's just so much to think about, to worry about, but all i want is to curl up with you & watch a bunch of stupid movies & read a thousand books & listen to depressing songs we can waltz to & just be. with you. & that might be asking for a lot but i'm asking anyway. 
i mean it's funny because i know you don't read this & there might be a couple people who think this is for them. as if they matter. but it's not for them, it's for you.
only you.  

Prayers;

May you find love when you least expect,
Where you least expect.
May the winds always carry you
where you want to go.
And may your smile never falter,
and your eyes never dull.
Just like the stars will always shine,
moon & sun forever intertwined;
Just like sparrows will always soar,
lavender blossoms infinitely in bloom;
May your heart forever more be ablaze.

Forever 21;

another year, another heartache. another year, another love. this life really is something, isn't it? the people that so easily become a second part of you/complete strangers within days. the incessant daydreams breaking you down never actually happen/the one thing you'd never had bet on miraculously does. stolen kisses & letters in envelopes/midnight rendezvous & birthday cake. make sense of it all, i dare you. are you even real? did any of that actually happen or am i simply imagining how just thinking about that moment still gives me butterflies/butterflies that are threatening to escape. another year, another post. this is it, right? the beginning of the end/the beginning of it all; then again, i've been saying that since i was sixteen. who's the dramatic one now?
is she happy? i think i'll be just fine.

Warped;

it's one of those blazingly bright days, reminiscent of when they first met. she's unaware that he's seen her, transfixed as if he's seen a ghost. but she does look up to finally see him. and after what feels like an eternity has passed, there's a certain sense of...weird. (hollow yet strangely fulfilling). they'd both thought about this happening, dreamed about it even. chance encounter of what would never be. but people change, and their dreams do too.
her hair's the same, maybe just a little thinner & lighter. her face is rounder and she has a tired look to her. but her eyes, no, those hadn't changed. surrounded by dainty wrinkles now, those were the eyes he'd never forgotten nor will he ever. he was haunted by those eyes that seemed to light up now as she strolled over to him. as if he'd never done what he did, as if she never cried like she had out of those very same eyes. he looked older too, more distinguished but just as tired as he'd always been. more gray in his robust beard, eyes just as dead as they'd always been. but it was him alright. awkward hug, pleasant small talk, the things they'd both once loathed. funny how time makes you change, makes you grow up. she's married now to a lovely man, 2 kids with another on the way. he's engaged to the love of his life that, as life would have it, wasn't her.
it's surreal, unreal, too real.
in another version of this, you tell me how you made a mistake all those years ago and it was the biggest regret of your life. We kiss and make up or I slap you in the face and walk away. In another, we're both already dead and then there's the one where we're too cowardly to even say hello. and then there's the reality that the whole scenario will never happen in the first place.
and then there's goodbye.

Storytime;

there was a lake. mythical & strange & shrouded in mysterious mysteries. and there was a girl, and there was a boy, and they were the best of friends. as children, they were warned to stay far, far away from the terrible lake, but as kids usually do, they did not listen. everyday at lunch, the girl would bring sandwiches & books and the boy his guitar & lemonade. and everyday, they'd sit just a little bit closer to the magnanimous water. and as time crept on, and the kids became older, they too grew closer. a love blossomed. innocent & pure, unheard of in quite some time in the lands they lived in. they did not care for riches and fame, only for the delight of each others company. and these children (for children they still were) forgot about the dangers of the lake. the stories they were once told, of illustrious silver-blue liquid that stole away your fears and dreams, of golden knights slayed by its sanguineous nature, of Nordic heroes falling into its treachery. for the lake was no ordinary lake, as i'm sure you've come to realize. filled with curses & spells of ancient times, it drew in those kind & bright of heart; the strong willed & adventurous; the cruel & skeptical. you see, it feasted on emotions; a toe in the water as it swirled systemically into the fool who dared venture too close. up & up & up it would sway and splash until nothing was left but a turquoise-tinged scaly fish. turquoise being for fear. opaque pearl for madness, sapphire for melancholy, garnet for bravery, so on & so forth. the waves crashed, the warriors succumbed and the children remained. as it were, the children were the epitome of emotion, for try as it might, the lake never did conquer illusive love. it was just one of those things, you know, those unattainable & disastrous things you can always reach for but, like the water itself, never hold. the lake needed it, for love was the strongest of all feelings; a mixture of everything and anything: fear, anxiety, rage, elation, hypocrisy, desire, passion...it had it all. love was the all encompassing sensation, love is love, all you need is love. without it, you have not lived and with it, well then you're the luckiest of them all. the lake was not so lucky and it was tired, tired of yearning & dreaming of what was so close yet farther than ever. it set a plan in motion; with every breeze, every drop of rain & clap of thunder, the lake would unleash all its power to lure in the unsuspecting lovers. and lure it did. the children crept closer, the lake pined for all they had, the cycle unrelenting.
and one day, had the lake not focused all its energy on them, it wouldn't have noticed the ripples made by the boy slowly walking past its shores, into its heart, deeper and deeper, the girl screaming bloody murder behind him. stuck in a transcendental trance, he walked on until there was no where else to walk. she followed.
and one day, two small & figurine amethyst hued fish, the only of their kind, appeared to swim infinitely in the lake's center.
one day, the lake found love. 

Puzzles;

does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me? there's a white noise as she walks. it's dark and lonely but the stars are out. does that make it less lonely? there's a strong wind, but she doesn't mind. it's late and probably dangerous, but she doesn't mind. the impending sense of a possible adventure makes her feel alive. maybe running will get her going again. she has moods. violent and thrashing, solitary tears in the night, smiles from ear to ear. she's missing something. all those books, all those years of wasted smarts and she still can't figure it out. figure it all out. there's a deceptive link; sometimes she thinks she's got it and in moments it's gone. it wasn't really there anyway. when she sees him, she thinks she's found it. not the solution to her problems but rather the reason that dims their fire. he's a different kind of fire. slow and burning and comforting. he engulfs her but lets her breathe. she laughs, smiling at the ground. how strange life is. how weird and confusing and breathtakingly beautiful. try and try as she might she just cannot fathom why he doesn't see the beauty in himself, in his words, in his quiet demeanor. stop, it's silly to think like this. falling like you did before, like you promised you'd never do again. the others around her, they don't get it. no one gets it. alone again, that's what she is. oh well.

is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be or maybe be?

Beach Waves & Sun Rays;

i'll sing you a song i think you'll like. the grass seeps into my bare back, leaving imprints to scatter on my skin. they remind me of you. it's blazing today, the sun shines overhead and the multitudes soak it up like water to a cloth. it all reminds me of you. she told me i need to loosen up, give leeway. be less harsh. silly, i know. why should i change? i think everyone's an idiot and disappointing and a waste of my time, and they know it too. am i wrong? am i building indestructible principles on pillars of sand? the waves are coming to knock them down, crash into all i know. i can feel them, tide by tide, i'm sinking into where water meets sand and it's all very quick and squishy. the sea smells of salt and sweetness, the never ending paradoxes of where we are today. who do i want? who do i need? where did all the love go? i don't know, i don't know.

Mayhem;

death is a many splendored thing. and so is love. and so is life. i love the vastness of it all, the lonliness, the spark. which one am i talking about anyhow? i like to play games, come play one with me. you won't be sorry, i promise. light & dark, night & day, we're all connected. the red string passes through us all; everyone we see, every smile we share, every decibel of pain we cause. watch what you say but stay true to yourself. irony is raining from the sky, frogs are hitting you in the face. death is not the end, and life is not the beginning. head up, chin higher. i'll never let you fall. not then, not now, not ever. to be or not to be, the only question that's on my mind.

And While We Were Here;

It's one of those films that make you think. The plot is classic +
complex; the characters, of which there are only 3, enigmatic yet
static. it's a contradiction in its entirety. it may sound like i'm
building it up, making it sound a lot cooler than it actually is but for
some reason, it sticks with me. i watch it and it makes me feel
something. i want to know what everyone is thinking: why they react the
way they do, why they cannot accept what has happened to them. time is shiftable. it's an interesting watch if you're into dry conversations, outbursts of sun and lots of room for open interpretation.

You're The One That I Want;

You know if you asked me to go with you, I would. I'd drop everything and explore unknown worlds with you. We'd sleep under the stars and talk endlessly about the trivialities of it all. It would be magical and isolated and perfect. you're not going to ask me obviously, but that's alright. maybe in another world, our timing wouldn't be so off. everything would just fit, like it's supposed to. you'd talk to me and I'd talk to you and we'd talk till our breath ran out. You wouldn't be able to shut me up. it'd be the opposite of how we are now, quiet, tiptoeing, whispering. wide eyed lonely and dreaming of home. The water's rising up, it's time to go. dream's over. wake up wake up wake up. soft waves and secret smiles are all you'll ever know.

Discoveries;

Multiple Choice;

A) "he's not mine," she said. "and i don't think he ever will be." "and maybe that's a good thing because things are never how you imagine and having expectations only ever sets you up for disappointment." "but I can't help but wonder what lying in his arms would be like," she told the sky, "i can't help but imagine being close enough to feel his breath on mine and his skin on my skin." she closed her eyes and felt the wind run it's fingers through her hair, and imagined he was beside her. "he's going to kill me you know," she whispered to the moon, "he's going to commit murder and the worst part is he won't even know it."  

B) i have conversations with you in my head. i know that sounds a bit weird, or actually a lot of weird. okay, it's weird, but it's true. they happen. i have these deep, life altering conversations with you every second of every day. when I sleep, you're the last face I see and when I wake you're the first. we talk about everything; life, food, music, love, sex, dreams. you engulf every fiber of me, your lips touch mine and it's magic. but it's all in my head, all in my heart. and that's a problem really, because i doubt you know. i doubt you realize that in the rare occasions i actually do see you, when eye meets eye, i forget all the clever things i wanted to say. back in my head you go, suctioned back into the oblivions of my mind. it's sad really; you'll never know what great talks we had.

C) and she kissed him. and it was raw but it was good. one of those kisses that wouldn't have made it to the big screen, but to them it was perfect. it lit something in her heart, a spark a flame that wasn't there before. and she looked at him, and he looked at her. "you know, i'm glad you're just a figment of my imagination. that this is all in my head. i know this will never happen in a million years and i'm glad you'll never give me the happiness i want from you. because if this tiny thought, 10 minutes of a daydream, can cause me this much heartache, pain so bad it actually hurts that i swear i just want to rip it out, then i don't dare to think what actually being with you will do to my fragile, bleeding heart."

D) None of the above.

Midnight Sorrows;

And if you're still up at 4 AM, you are in love or lonely, and i don't know which one is worse. i read that somewhere. i read a lot of things somewhere. and i actually think you can be both of those things at the same time or neither of them at all. this ridiculous obsession with love. it makes no sense to me, what even is love? someone please give me a concrete definition because quite frankly, i've got no clue. i know i'm young, everyone always tells me i rush things too much. and maybe i do (i do) and maybe i shouldn't (i shouldn't) but i'm scared of missing my chance. set me free of my midnight sorrow. i used to be a romantic but lately i'm slipping. i'm only 20 years old for God's sake, i need to calm down. i become so fixated on what's to come that i completely forget to stop and live. how cliche of me. it's like i'm Atlas and the entire world is on my shoulders and it's fucking heavy. it's weight is just bearing down on me day in, day out. and the more i strain against it, fight for all i'm worth, the more i realize there's no point. life will always beat you down, people will always disappoint, the rain will always fall. i'm regressing. and it's sad because i know it's my fault. i know what i'm doing wrong, but get me to care. i'm obsessed with the darkness, i will avidly search for it in those bright bursts in my gray, gray world. i let it consume me and then i get confused as to where all the color's gone. ravishing reds, lovely lavenders, breezes of blue. One by one they lay the world at my feet; one by one they go away. i'll admit defeat, i need to change. but will i actually? that's the question on my mind.

Serenity;

Thoughts;

I haven't moved in hours. the rain falls outside my window, and i can see the drops racing down the glass around me. but i won't get up to find the winner. there's a steady playlist on right now, new bands i've discovered today and some i've turned to for years. the districts, cage the elephant, the killers, onerepublic, the damnwells..the list goes on and on and on. maybe i'll tell you about it some day. when it's not so gloomy outside, and the sun comes out to play. i've started some new books too. i never used to be able to read more than one at a time, but lately i'm changing it up. i want more, more knowledge, more wisdom, more perspective. some books just grab you, you know? i can't explain it really, i can't read it for you. you might not even like it, but then that's your problem not mine. i never used to like poetry either, but lately i've been reading more and more of it. maybe some more of that new something i'm always searching for. or it might be because they're so convenient, so short & sweet.
more, more, more. i'm unsatiable. is that good or bad? i'm rambling again. i do that a lot, get used to it. two of them caught my attention today, the poems i mean. they're dramatic and annoying but oh so deep and enlightening. dangerous combination. i don't know. that's the motto of my life, i don't know i don't know i don't know. maybe i'll never know. maybe i'm okay with that. but what i'm hoping, what i'm praying is that i'm on the edge. the edge of something new, something undiscovered, something incredible. or something devastating. devastatingly beautiful. wrap me up in lavender thunder. i read that once, years ago. somewhere. i can't remember anymore. i hope it's not copyrighted. i think i'll go now.

The Light;

One year ago today, I lost someone very dear to my heart. this isn't an eulogy but I never got the chance to say goodbye and so I'm saying it now. growing up, he was always aloof and mysterious too, at least to me. We didn't speak the same language, literally. He was always rambling on in arabic and I was always rambling on in english and we both had no idea what the other was saying. always sitting in his little corner, reading and praying and praying and reading. I felt that's all he ever did, pray for our sinning souls. A purer heart there never was. maybe it was his old age, but he always exuded this endless stream of knowledge and wisdom and piety. I mean, in his own way he did what he wanted and didn't care what anyone thought because he knew that they didn't matter. This world didn't matter. We just didn't realize he would leave so soon, that's all. The older I got ( and the more arabic I picked up) I began to understand the world that he came from. harsher than mine, grimmer. but he filled it with the light of his religion, his children, his grandchildren. He always had a soft spot for his grandkids and let's be honest he has quite a few of us to go around. never once did he show spite, or jealousy or malice or regret or any of the things you'd think a man past his prime would. He relished his age and his mastery of life and above all, his family. He wanted the best for us I know it. i just really miss him sometimes that's all. his smell, that stark white head of hair ( his one and single vanity), his jovial nature, the tremors in his hands, that birthmark on his cheek. I miss it all and I'll never stop missing them or him. sometimes I dream about him and he's the happiest he's ever been. He tells me that he's okay and this is where he needed to be. that the tumors consumed him until there was nothing left to consume so that he could get to Him. and that I should be good and kind to people and to be stay strong and brave.  He always liked that about my grandma. I didn't get to say goodbye, and that killed me for a really long time because i needed more time, i wanted more time. i didnt appreciate him and i didn't realize until it was too late. I'm not the same person I was before all this, and there's no going back. and it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that. But im okay now and im fighting to be just a fraction of the person that he was. so goodbye Jido, goodbye to the gentlest soul I've ever known. goodbye to my hobbit.

Solivagant;

(definition: wandering alone)

it’s dark. and cold. the wind whips her hair across her face but she doesn’t mind. it wakes her up. her headphones transmit one of those lonesome melancholy songs she likes into her ears, into her mind. they always make her feel sort of sad. happier songs, she thinks, i need happier songs. but where’s the meaning, the truth in happy songs? so, she continues to stand there, shivering, peering out into the darkness, a blanket wrapped around her small frame. the sky looks nice tonight, black as tar with a pearl white moon floating along. i want a burger, she thinks. or a strand of diamonds. or someone to love her the way she loves these songs. a life worth living. was there anything wrong with the life she’s living now? maybe to some, but not to others. she isn’t sure. she just knows she’s bigger than this, bigger than this place and this life. this lie. One day I’ll fly away. like the birds in her heart, always fluttering, always beating against their cage. restless. she thinks about leaving a lot, just up and leave, buy a ticket to anywhere. maybe Greece or Paris. somewhere glamorous. somewhere new. run, run, run away. would that make her a coward? never look back. who would miss her? who’d be sad? disappointed? would anyone even care? so many people are here but they’re not. not really. worlds apart, oceans in between. i miss you, do you miss me? she breathes. that’s her motto now. just breathe. mistakes pile up, bridges burn down. but no regrets, right? no regrets. she does what she has to, does what she needs to, but not what she wants to. use them and leave them when the excitement fades. something always fades. that’s what she does, wreak havoc with every step. press the distress button, she’s back again. stop. listen to the music, the melody, the words that speak so true they break your soul. read the books that open your mind, open your eyes. she keeps wandering & wondering. Solivagant. that’s what i am, that’s who i’ll be.

Swimming Lessons;

sometimes i get like really overwhelmed by this world. the sheer amount of existence and life just everywhere, on every corner, in every eye. it's weird when you sit and think about it. in one day alone you can pass by 10, 20, 30 people, maybe even 100s. and every single one of these people has a story. every. single. one. i just want to let that sink in. everyone has a life, and a past and future and a now.  sometimes they don't see it but I do. and what's so fascinating is that they all have a place in this world and every step they take makes a change. domino effect. ripples in the pond of this great big world of ours. drip drop drop. and it's funny, but it's sad too because a lot of people aren't even aware of what they are capable of. there's a distance in your eyes only mine can see. so i guess what i'm trying to say is everyone matters, and everything you do makes a change somehow. won't always be good, won't always be bad. but it will be something. and isn't that what's important?

Explain;

why's my head so fucked up?

Hello;

Let's talk. But what to talk about? Rain and sunshine, storms and wars. It's a battle out there, stay and have a drink with me. What's your poison? Words, apathy, empathy? You tell me i'm pretty, i tell you you're not. i tell you to run away with me, and you tell me to go. it's an endless circle, vicious and cruel. emotions are a terrible thing. but they're the most wonderful. contradictions, paradoxes. play a song for me, i'll play one for you. ask me something and i'll reveal a secret. why won't you do the same? this is how the game goes. back and forth, push and pull. we're like the waves and the shores and the sun and the moon. it all fits together but somehow not at all. my head's a mess, it's a jungle in there. peek inside, do you? will you? who am i even talking to anymore?

Just Do It;

"Don't think about it. Thinking ruins everything. Just breathe and do it. You won't regret this, I promise."