Twelve;

we came/ we saw/ we loved/ we left
this was the year of growth.
spread your roots/ sprout towards the stars
the imagery of what has transpired
lightning sparks
nostalgia waves
so many moons, so many songs in the night;
driving in cars with boys
sing me sweetly, swing me deeply
the rain is falling and I will do nothing to stop
the drops on my lashes from drowning me.
i reach my hand out
& i realize it'll only ever meet my own.
this was the year of growth.
and my, how we've grown. 

Eleven;

i'm restless 

i'm restless

i'm restless

for whatever comes next;

how rich you must feel, enveloped in the arms that will never let you go/

how enlightened i feel for having witnessed anything at all;

treasured. withered. evolved. 

i'll tell you a secret, 

(come a little closer now)

there will always be something standing in your way,

until there's not.

the winds blew her to smithereens.

the rain battered her down.

the ice cemented in her bloodstream.

such sad brown eyes

but a better lover there never was.

a better love there never was.

twisted silence/please decipher

until she woke up anyway.

you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. 

i'll tell you another secret:

we haven't the faintest idea of how it will all turn out,

if anything i only become more confused with each year added to my life.

but we're becoming so much more, so much more.

and yes, i

fall apart a little bit every day, 

but i

am struggling gracefully 

and i

am growing magnanimously. 

muscle memory. 

Ten;

(i just wish i had some place else to move

to tell you the truth)

but isn't home just a state of mind?

oceans unknown, but i think i'd swim them for you.

all hallow's eve:

the night looms on/ 

it's cold now.

the sun blinds those who look too closely,

but the warmth that kisses her skin will always linger.

if we're being honest, it's all jumbled in my head a little

i left my heart behind in another land, buried my soul in the soil and walked away.

and still I wander through this maze, still I wonder what is a body without its core?

open wounds/ tears in the dark/ a smile for the camera

where will you lay your head for the night?

the cedars are burning/ 

the people will fight 

either you're in or out

i beg. i beg. i beg.

i can't stop running and i'm running out of places to run to

ground me 

(eyes lock)

but you let her go

Nine;

ya zaman, ya zaman, ya zaman

oh father time, she says

won't you slow down for me?

i don't think He can 

even if He wanted to

the oud is strung while the dervishes spin

&

there's little lines where her smile fades

but the mischievousness never will

grandmothers/grandfathers and all the love they'll never show

from a world her children do not know

from a world her parents were never from

(oh, generations)

your oriental mind weighs heavy now

the burden of another Atlas, they say

running/run/running

did you stop to see his smile in the sun?

there's a laugh carried by the wind 

i hear it now.

i see what i couldn't before,

the blur comes to a halt;

and there you are in front of me

and there i am in front of you.

Eight;

back.
back in your mother's arms.
jolt back to a different time/
strolling through the markets of your heart.
heart
conflicted hearts,
& damaged souls.
wistful dreams,
& mischievous adventures.
the future is yet to come they say but look he's at the door.
wedding cakes&birthday cakes;
they all taste much too sweet.
we are youth.
we are the youth.
we are youth.
and as the sun comes out to say farewell,
she's back again.
back where you needed to be/
back as if she'd never left/
she is home.

Seven;

we love but are not loved back
in the way we deserve
we give
all
we are consumed
complete me
we are no more than destroyed
hearts
and still we search
and still we search
and still we search
still we love
for what is a life without love?

Six;

1) sunshine
creep inside me: explosion/implosion/delusion
it's a new day.
or so we thought?
a (false) sense of hope/ a (ray) of light
while you sit and wait for time to change your luck
i'm blinded.
moving in slow motion; blink &
it's a new day.
don't take yourself so seriously. 
the echoes. are echoing.
& the darkness will always be there.
it's a new day
how long can you wait for the one you deserve?
lifetimes.
either way, it's a new day;

2) my sense of wonder's just a little tired. 
& I won't lie, it kind of always is.
somedays I wake up & I know this isn't home.
somedays I wake up & I know this is where i'm meant to be.
fluidity.
a nomad, lost.
a nomad, found.
open heart. open mind.
engulfed spirit.
daughter of the moon & the mind.
see i'm in love with how your soul's a mix of art & chaos/
& how you never try to keep them apart;

3) longing for the day
it will all make sense
the lilies are in bloom/
the tide hits the shore.
beam down
ancient woes, glory be
soft smiles, hopeful smiles, wonderous smiles.
& though the fear in my heart still drives me over the edge
it's a new day;

Five;

so today I wrote a song for you
you'll never hear it but maybe you'll read this
wishful thinking?

I don't know I guess I thought we'd run into each other eventually
maybe there's still time//no need anymore
funny how things work

someone called me lovely once, but it wasn't you
blessed be the broken/
blessed be the ones who broke us

what's on your mind? 
i couldn't tell you even if i tried

i rest on childhood memories 
we all got old at breakneck speed
slow it down, go easy on me 

I've got so many memories & no where to put them.

momentum's building, isn't it?

i'm not okay, but i will be.
down, down in my bones
i'll always be just fine.

Four;

i was only playing with the moon
let me inhale your spirit.
exhume your soul.
betray me.
l.
o.
v.
e.
me.
fear me.
look me in the eye & make me believe;
there's no more to life than what we perceive
there's more to life than what we see
but i, i've got 
a war on my mind/
a world on my shoulders
a wounded heart.
(ego)
meditation meditate meditation
for semblance
of peace of mind.
i let my mind wander & it never came back.
and after it all,
i was only playing with the moon.

Three;

it's a whole other world out there. 

unprecedented rage/

the children asked for none of this

fire in their lungs/

strength in their fight.

there's empathy here;

a power from deep within. 

I wanna be king in your story

but I'm already the Queen.

Two;

what a blessed & beautiful year it's been.
meetings in the moonlight/
dancing in the starlight;
laughter in the wind
planes in the sky
loves&losses
tears/smiles.
up & down we go,
hellos & goodbyes.
here comes the sun.
but truly, honestly, deeply
what a lovely time to have been alive. 

One;

I always felt that it was wrong/to lay my world in foreign hands

it all got mixed up in my head,

move here/ move there/ move

sun. shadow. sand. snow.

confuddled.

who are you going to be?

a solid question, she says/

any answers? look the other way;

I see a way out & I can hear an echo that begs to be followed

that's

a 

lot

of 

question

marks

I don't have anything figured out, but does it matter anymore?

i'm sure no one has anything figured out

that's the only thing I do know, really.

I see a way out & I can see the sun on the horizon 

just call me foreigner;