"wrap me up in lavender thunder;"

Monday, March 30, 2015

Midnight Sorrows;

And if you're still up at 4 AM, you are in love or lonely, and i don't know which one is worse. i read that somewhere. i read a lot of things somewhere. and i actually think you can be both of those things at the same time or neither of them at all. this ridiculous obsession with love. it makes no sense to me, what even is love? someone please give me a concrete definition because quite frankly, i've got no clue. i know i'm young, everyone always tells me i rush things too much. and maybe i do (i do) and maybe i shouldn't (i shouldn't) but i'm scared of missing my chance. set me free of my midnight sorrow. i used to be a romantic but lately i'm slipping. i'm only 20 years old for God's sake, i need to calm down. i become so fixated on what's to come that i completely forget to stop and live. how cliche of me. it's like i'm Atlas and the entire world is on my shoulders and it's fucking heavy. it's weight is just bearing down on me day in, day out. and the more i strain against it, fight for all i'm worth, the more i realize there's no point. life will always beat you down, people will always disappoint, the rain will always fall. i'm regressing. and it's sad because i know it's my fault. i know what i'm doing wrong, but get me to care. i'm obsessed with the darkness, i will avidly search for it in those bright bursts in my gray, gray world. i let it consume me and then i get confused as to where all the color's gone. ravishing reds, lovely lavenders, breezes of blue. One by one they lay the world at my feet; one by one they go away. i'll admit defeat, i need to change. but will i actually? that's the question on my mind.