Jesus Christ;

this took me back. fresh beginnings; new smiles. 

old friends & forgotten lyrics/

this song took me back. 

he wasn't hers anymore but he still showed me the songs that reminded him.

and here we are. 

this took me back because i'm back.

the darkness isn't as scary anymore 

maybe it's because i know when i turn around,

i'm going to see that he's always been right behind me.

transported back in time; slingshot me to what's to come. 

this song took me back to you.

Me; Myself; I;

and i want a moment to be real;
 you can run in circles all you want but you'll never belong. not really anyway. people are so strange and unexpected and predictable and.
and you'll never be able to wear the mask the way they do, and you'll never be able to run away from what you feel and you'll never let them take advantage of you.
the way you speak/ the clothes you wear/ the blood in your veins; it's not theirs.
and it doesn't have to be.

i'll never let anyone change me. not anymore.
if this year has taught me anything, it's that no one can be trusted and no one can make me love myself any less. you were good for laughs but i don't need your toxic venom in my life, i really don't.
it dragged me down, it made me question myself in ways i really didn't even care about, it was sad.
i'm sorry that i said goodbye, but i found something better along the way.
and i'm walking alone from here on out.

Engima;

bless my darkness; bless my light.
i've finally found it. tangible/here/there/mine.
gone. (cryptic?)
i've found it. have you?

Answered;

is this what you were trying to say?

Surprises;

yea you worry too much/so don't worry so much

these words are my life. i immediately panic, i'm a cynic; i'm a saint/i'm the devil himself. 

you say you want me and is it all i wanted to hear?

"you care about us."

i care about you. i need you i crave you i miss you.

but i will never know if it's enough.  

maybe this is good for us right? i mean we made it this far, who's to say we can't wait a little longer?

only time will tell;

who cares anyways?

i want to lose my mind with you but life keeps getting in the way/ hitting pause. 

let's save this dance for a rainy day; 

              

Blink;

ideal moments.
sparks in time that grab you/ insignificant? but suddenly you're momentous & alive again.

1; reading that book under that blanket you bought in a crowded, steaming market but now it's cold inside.
2; the perfect song playing at all the wrong times with just the right person
3; hundreds of black caps flying in the air but the cheers & claps blur it all away
4; escaping to the bistro you love to hide away from their questions about a future you didn't even realize was so close to yesterday.

it was all in slow motion but it's speeding up now, unknown horizons are about to smack you in the face. but it's nice to think that one day, that blanket will be your daughter's; that song will break your heart; that cap's already been returned; and that bistro will fall to the ground.

and do you still think love is a laserquest? or do you take it all more seriously? i've tried to ask you this in some daydreams that i've had but you're always busy being make believe.

i guess there's only one way to find out what's coming next; aren't you coming with me?

 

Scripted;

him: i mean, i guess what i'm trying to ask is, where'd you go?

her: [squinting up at him (he always was too tall), averting her eyes] "why do you even care?

him: don't ask stupid questions you already know the answer to.

her: [deep breath/ flushed cheeks] it's silly now. i guess i fell in love with someone, and it so disastrously blew up in my face. so i panicked and i shrunk away from the everyone/ everything. i let my heart eat me alive, do you know how horrible that feeling is?

him: [staring right into her eyes] i know exactly what you mean.

Who am i, darling to you?

Promenades;

this is the kind of song i'd listen to strolling down some cobblestone on Hamra Street. Sunglasses, wild hair, summer dress; walk, walk, walk. headphones on, sun blazing. i stop to cross the street, narrowing down which cafe i'd like to sit in to get some writing done. maybe i won't write. read a book. i always get such funny stares when i read. people watching was always one of my favorite things to do; she has red lips/ he has eyes green as the night. can i go with you? found it. the perfect spot to whip out (classic) pen and paper. the words are flowing, their meaning? obscure, made up, idealistic.  i'll probably never see him again, he's gone back to the city. but it was nice to see him smile.

 i wanna go with you, i wanna go wherever/whenever you wanna go; can i go with you?

            

No Shit;

i think if you'd just sent me this, i would have hurt less;

Remembered;

In Loving Memory of Kadmoos Halabi (1994-2016)

Dirty Talk;

Out Of Sight;

 i can save us. or at least i thought i could. seems i'm actually quite incapable of holding on to anything but a grudge really. strange, every time i think i've got it right. strange, every time i'm so terribly wrong. happiness is such a hard concept to grasp for me. i've been in the dark for so long now, when i see the sun it blinds. gouges my eyes out like Oedipus; frightened frenzy. he can see now can't he? is that what it takes? a truth so magnanimous that it shatters your very core; mine was the day i woke up and realized he wouldn't love me the way i would never love any of them. cosmic comedy. there's still hope, but there probably isn't. tell me, what'd you think of my songs? but i am good, i am grounded. i always have to take a step back. back. back. keep going, you're almost there. moving in retrograde. he left her lonely with a diamond mind.

Mixtape4;

• josef salvat; open season (une autre saison)
• kid cudi; all along
• erik hassle; one last ride
• duke dumont; ocean drive
• seafret; atlantis
• the national; i need my girl
• billie eilish; ocean eyes
• fayrouz; habaytak tansit nawm
• switchfoot; only hope
• noah & the whale; blue skies
• kodaline; moving on
• matchbox 20; unwell
• the oh hello's; hello my old heart
• joseph attieh; habeit 3aiyounak
• one for the team; questions & panthers
• josef salvat; hustler
• harrison storm; be yourself
• erik hassle; talk about it
• badly drawn boy; in safe hands
• bloc party; pioneers (M83 Remix)
• james blake; retrograde
• the national; don't swallow the cap
• she & him; i could have been your girl