Eleven;

i'm restless 

i'm restless

i'm restless

for whatever comes next;

how rich you must feel, enveloped in the arms that will never let you go/

how enlightened i feel for having witnessed anything at all;

treasured. withered. evolved. 

i'll tell you a secret, 

(come a little closer now)

there will always be something standing in your way,

until there's not.

the winds blew her to smithereens.

the rain battered her down.

the ice cemented in her bloodstream.

such sad brown eyes

but a better lover there never was.

a better love there never was.

twisted silence/please decipher

until she woke up anyway.

you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. 

i'll tell you another secret:

we haven't the faintest idea of how it will all turn out,

if anything i only become more confused with each year added to my life.

but we're becoming so much more, so much more.

and yes, i

fall apart a little bit every day, 

but i

am struggling gracefully 

and i

am growing magnanimously. 

muscle memory. 

Remembered;

In Loving Memory of Kadmoos Halabi (1994-2016)

Runaways;

well i set out to write a post but then realized that this song actually says it all;

Puzzles;

does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me? there's a white noise as she walks. it's dark and lonely but the stars are out. does that make it less lonely? there's a strong wind, but she doesn't mind. it's late and probably dangerous, but she doesn't mind. the impending sense of a possible adventure makes her feel alive. maybe running will get her going again. she has moods. violent and thrashing, solitary tears in the night, smiles from ear to ear. she's missing something. all those books, all those years of wasted smarts and she still can't figure it out. figure it all out. there's a deceptive link; sometimes she thinks she's got it and in moments it's gone. it wasn't really there anyway. when she sees him, she thinks she's found it. not the solution to her problems but rather the reason that dims their fire. he's a different kind of fire. slow and burning and comforting. he engulfs her but lets her breathe. she laughs, smiling at the ground. how strange life is. how weird and confusing and breathtakingly beautiful. try and try as she might she just cannot fathom why he doesn't see the beauty in himself, in his words, in his quiet demeanor. stop, it's silly to think like this. falling like you did before, like you promised you'd never do again. the others around her, they don't get it. no one gets it. alone again, that's what she is. oh well.

is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be or maybe be?