Free Falling;

I just want to know what the big deal is. Why are people incapable of saying what they're actually feeling, what they rehearse in their heads a million times before blurting something completely different out? Why do we feel the need to change what we feel in our hearts because we're scared, like frightened children in a pumpkin patch. Why can't I walk up to you and say "hey so I like you" or "why'd we lose touch" or "wow I actually can't stand you, bye". We hold on to these toxic emotions and let them overwhelm us until smoke is coming out of our ears. I don't see the harm and I don't understand the impending feeling of doom before saying something daring. We're brought up on Disney movies and fairytales depicting bravery and chivalry but when it comes down to it, in our modern/ mundane world, it's wasted. 

I know the steps, I've made this mistake so many times before. Your head gets enlarged with boasts and toasts and everyone tells you "you're so ballsy, look at you, telling people how you actually feel". And you go for it, no regrets, eyes closed and rushing into a free fall of pride and self worth. Until you crash and hit the ground and realize, fuck, you just made a complete fool of yourself. Good luck getting out of this one, they'll never let you live it down. And then those same people who practically pushed you off the cliff edge are all stepping back. Looking at you as if you were insane and had no idea what you were doing. Maybe you don't actually know but it was worth a shot, worth the exhilaration. Forget the doubt, you'll live with them opening their eyes and rejecting. But it always creeps back into your mind sometimes, when it's late and there's nothing else to think about. I try, I try so hard to not be forced into some shell of a life. I'll jump headfirst off that cliff, whether someone's there to catch me or not (there's usually not). But with every try, every act of some sort of twisted rebellion against human nature and awkwardness, I'm knocked back. So far back, I can't even see the cliff edge anymore. And I start my journey back to where I started, build it all back up, my walls, my defenses. But alas, they're never stronger than the beats of a feather.

When It Comes;

Someone I know once asked me a question, late during the dregs of Halloween night as we sat wasting idle time. "If you were dying, what's the last thing you would say?" I'm not sure if that was the correct wording but I'm sure you felt that general chill that comes with such a eerie notion, just as I did. What would you do? I mean, what are the circumstances? Who am I talking to here? Is it someone I love, someone I know, someone I hate? Am I old and withered or was I eviscerated by a driver raging down the night streets? I mean it's such a funny thing to think about, death I mean. Everyone wants to know where we go and what will happen to our souls as our bodies disintegrate into nothing more than soil and worms. There's "the heaven and hell" theory, the "we become one with the wind" mindset, the "when we're dead, we're dead" ideology. It all depends on what you choose to believe in, I guess. Does it scare you? The unknown? The mastery and the mystery of it all, swirling around in fogs of misconception and never really knowing when it will strike. Take your breath away. Everyone's so concerned with what purse she's carrying or what car he's driving, they forget to stop and think and see the beauty in everyday, the light in every person's eyes. Appreciate it. Trust me, it'll be black before you even realize.

Revelations;

i think i just had an epiphany. while listening to this song and drinking hot cocoa and fixing a broken door (and no. that's not a metaphor, my door actually broke and a shoe was used as a hammer and it was all very confusing and ridiculous looking). but i think things will be better from now on. or at least i hope they will. that's all i can do. that's all i do. sit and hope, hope and sit. and pray that if i can just get my erratic and tangled thoughts together for just like 10 minutes, i can figure something out and make sense of what the fuck is going on and just breathe. just. breathe.

The Inquisition;

i ask too many questions. like way too many. i warn you, it will probably get uncomfortable, my ambush of inquiries. sit with me and you'll basically be bombarded with inquisitive curiosities, the thoughts that trouble my mind. if the sky wasn't blue, what color would you want it to be? it's my secret weapon, my ability to ask the obvious, to pry into the deepest parts of your mind without you even realizing. or maybe you do, and i'm left thinking i'm a lot better at hiding my intentions than i actually am. it's an interpretation of the wiles, a peek into the maze of our tangled souls. it's how i break the ice, silence the white noise. i want to know more, i want to discover, i want to breathe. breathe you in, talk endlessly for hours about the puzzles of the universe, the mysteries of our hearts. i guess i'm just curious to hear what you'll come up with.

Knights;

Words may be my shield,
rhymes my counterstrike.
The pen is my sword.
I live in a world of my own,
trapped in a haze of reality versus imagination.
My simple weapons,
aiding in a war all my own.
A private battle of wit & mind,
futile attempts to break free,
yet they are,
and probably will always be,
my victory.