Free Falling;

I just want to know what the big deal is. Why are people incapable of saying what they're actually feeling, what they rehearse in their heads a million times before blurting something completely different out? Why do we feel the need to change what we feel in our hearts because we're scared, like frightened children in a pumpkin patch. Why can't I walk up to you and say "hey so I like you" or "why'd we lose touch" or "wow I actually can't stand you, bye". We hold on to these toxic emotions and let them overwhelm us until smoke is coming out of our ears. I don't see the harm and I don't understand the impending feeling of doom before saying something daring. We're brought up on Disney movies and fairytales depicting bravery and chivalry but when it comes down to it, in our modern/ mundane world, it's wasted. 

I know the steps, I've made this mistake so many times before. Your head gets enlarged with boasts and toasts and everyone tells you "you're so ballsy, look at you, telling people how you actually feel". And you go for it, no regrets, eyes closed and rushing into a free fall of pride and self worth. Until you crash and hit the ground and realize, fuck, you just made a complete fool of yourself. Good luck getting out of this one, they'll never let you live it down. And then those same people who practically pushed you off the cliff edge are all stepping back. Looking at you as if you were insane and had no idea what you were doing. Maybe you don't actually know but it was worth a shot, worth the exhilaration. Forget the doubt, you'll live with them opening their eyes and rejecting. But it always creeps back into your mind sometimes, when it's late and there's nothing else to think about. I try, I try so hard to not be forced into some shell of a life. I'll jump headfirst off that cliff, whether someone's there to catch me or not (there's usually not). But with every try, every act of some sort of twisted rebellion against human nature and awkwardness, I'm knocked back. So far back, I can't even see the cliff edge anymore. And I start my journey back to where I started, build it all back up, my walls, my defenses. But alas, they're never stronger than the beats of a feather.