The Light;

One year ago today, I lost someone very dear to my heart. this isn't an eulogy but I never got the chance to say goodbye and so I'm saying it now. growing up, he was always aloof and mysterious too, at least to me. We didn't speak the same language, literally. He was always rambling on in arabic and I was always rambling on in english and we both had no idea what the other was saying. always sitting in his little corner, reading and praying and praying and reading. I felt that's all he ever did, pray for our sinning souls. A purer heart there never was. maybe it was his old age, but he always exuded this endless stream of knowledge and wisdom and piety. I mean, in his own way he did what he wanted and didn't care what anyone thought because he knew that they didn't matter. This world didn't matter. We just didn't realize he would leave so soon, that's all. The older I got ( and the more arabic I picked up) I began to understand the world that he came from. harsher than mine, grimmer. but he filled it with the light of his religion, his children, his grandchildren. He always had a soft spot for his grandkids and let's be honest he has quite a few of us to go around. never once did he show spite, or jealousy or malice or regret or any of the things you'd think a man past his prime would. He relished his age and his mastery of life and above all, his family. He wanted the best for us I know it. i just really miss him sometimes that's all. his smell, that stark white head of hair ( his one and single vanity), his jovial nature, the tremors in his hands, that birthmark on his cheek. I miss it all and I'll never stop missing them or him. sometimes I dream about him and he's the happiest he's ever been. He tells me that he's okay and this is where he needed to be. that the tumors consumed him until there was nothing left to consume so that he could get to Him. and that I should be good and kind to people and to be stay strong and brave.  He always liked that about my grandma. I didn't get to say goodbye, and that killed me for a really long time because i needed more time, i wanted more time. i didnt appreciate him and i didn't realize until it was too late. I'm not the same person I was before all this, and there's no going back. and it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that. But im okay now and im fighting to be just a fraction of the person that he was. so goodbye Jido, goodbye to the gentlest soul I've ever known. goodbye to my hobbit.