Midnight Sorrows;

And if you're still up at 4 AM, you are in love or lonely, and i don't know which one is worse. i read that somewhere. i read a lot of things somewhere. and i actually think you can be both of those things at the same time or neither of them at all. this ridiculous obsession with love. it makes no sense to me, what even is love? someone please give me a concrete definition because quite frankly, i've got no clue. i know i'm young, everyone always tells me i rush things too much. and maybe i do (i do) and maybe i shouldn't (i shouldn't) but i'm scared of missing my chance. set me free of my midnight sorrow. i used to be a romantic but lately i'm slipping. i'm only 20 years old for God's sake, i need to calm down. i become so fixated on what's to come that i completely forget to stop and live. how cliche of me. it's like i'm Atlas and the entire world is on my shoulders and it's fucking heavy. it's weight is just bearing down on me day in, day out. and the more i strain against it, fight for all i'm worth, the more i realize there's no point. life will always beat you down, people will always disappoint, the rain will always fall. i'm regressing. and it's sad because i know it's my fault. i know what i'm doing wrong, but get me to care. i'm obsessed with the darkness, i will avidly search for it in those bright bursts in my gray, gray world. i let it consume me and then i get confused as to where all the color's gone. ravishing reds, lovely lavenders, breezes of blue. One by one they lay the world at my feet; one by one they go away. i'll admit defeat, i need to change. but will i actually? that's the question on my mind.

Serenity;

Thoughts;

I haven't moved in hours. the rain falls outside my window, and i can see the drops racing down the glass around me. but i won't get up to find the winner. there's a steady playlist on right now, new bands i've discovered today and some i've turned to for years. the districts, cage the elephant, the killers, onerepublic, the damnwells..the list goes on and on and on. maybe i'll tell you about it some day. when it's not so gloomy outside, and the sun comes out to play. i've started some new books too. i never used to be able to read more than one at a time, but lately i'm changing it up. i want more, more knowledge, more wisdom, more perspective. some books just grab you, you know? i can't explain it really, i can't read it for you. you might not even like it, but then that's your problem not mine. i never used to like poetry either, but lately i've been reading more and more of it. maybe some more of that new something i'm always searching for. or it might be because they're so convenient, so short & sweet.
more, more, more. i'm unsatiable. is that good or bad? i'm rambling again. i do that a lot, get used to it. two of them caught my attention today, the poems i mean. they're dramatic and annoying but oh so deep and enlightening. dangerous combination. i don't know. that's the motto of my life, i don't know i don't know i don't know. maybe i'll never know. maybe i'm okay with that. but what i'm hoping, what i'm praying is that i'm on the edge. the edge of something new, something undiscovered, something incredible. or something devastating. devastatingly beautiful. wrap me up in lavender thunder. i read that once, years ago. somewhere. i can't remember anymore. i hope it's not copyrighted. i think i'll go now.

The Light;

One year ago today, I lost someone very dear to my heart. this isn't an eulogy but I never got the chance to say goodbye and so I'm saying it now. growing up, he was always aloof and mysterious too, at least to me. We didn't speak the same language, literally. He was always rambling on in arabic and I was always rambling on in english and we both had no idea what the other was saying. always sitting in his little corner, reading and praying and praying and reading. I felt that's all he ever did, pray for our sinning souls. A purer heart there never was. maybe it was his old age, but he always exuded this endless stream of knowledge and wisdom and piety. I mean, in his own way he did what he wanted and didn't care what anyone thought because he knew that they didn't matter. This world didn't matter. We just didn't realize he would leave so soon, that's all. The older I got ( and the more arabic I picked up) I began to understand the world that he came from. harsher than mine, grimmer. but he filled it with the light of his religion, his children, his grandchildren. He always had a soft spot for his grandkids and let's be honest he has quite a few of us to go around. never once did he show spite, or jealousy or malice or regret or any of the things you'd think a man past his prime would. He relished his age and his mastery of life and above all, his family. He wanted the best for us I know it. i just really miss him sometimes that's all. his smell, that stark white head of hair ( his one and single vanity), his jovial nature, the tremors in his hands, that birthmark on his cheek. I miss it all and I'll never stop missing them or him. sometimes I dream about him and he's the happiest he's ever been. He tells me that he's okay and this is where he needed to be. that the tumors consumed him until there was nothing left to consume so that he could get to Him. and that I should be good and kind to people and to be stay strong and brave.  He always liked that about my grandma. I didn't get to say goodbye, and that killed me for a really long time because i needed more time, i wanted more time. i didnt appreciate him and i didn't realize until it was too late. I'm not the same person I was before all this, and there's no going back. and it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that. But im okay now and im fighting to be just a fraction of the person that he was. so goodbye Jido, goodbye to the gentlest soul I've ever known. goodbye to my hobbit.

Solivagant;

(definition: wandering alone)

it’s dark. and cold. the wind whips her hair across her face but she doesn’t mind. it wakes her up. her headphones transmit one of those lonesome melancholy songs she likes into her ears, into her mind. they always make her feel sort of sad. happier songs, she thinks, i need happier songs. but where’s the meaning, the truth in happy songs? so, she continues to stand there, shivering, peering out into the darkness, a blanket wrapped around her small frame. the sky looks nice tonight, black as tar with a pearl white moon floating along. i want a burger, she thinks. or a strand of diamonds. or someone to love her the way she loves these songs. a life worth living. was there anything wrong with the life she’s living now? maybe to some, but not to others. she isn’t sure. she just knows she’s bigger than this, bigger than this place and this life. this lie. One day I’ll fly away. like the birds in her heart, always fluttering, always beating against their cage. restless. she thinks about leaving a lot, just up and leave, buy a ticket to anywhere. maybe Greece or Paris. somewhere glamorous. somewhere new. run, run, run away. would that make her a coward? never look back. who would miss her? who’d be sad? disappointed? would anyone even care? so many people are here but they’re not. not really. worlds apart, oceans in between. i miss you, do you miss me? she breathes. that’s her motto now. just breathe. mistakes pile up, bridges burn down. but no regrets, right? no regrets. she does what she has to, does what she needs to, but not what she wants to. use them and leave them when the excitement fades. something always fades. that’s what she does, wreak havoc with every step. press the distress button, she’s back again. stop. listen to the music, the melody, the words that speak so true they break your soul. read the books that open your mind, open your eyes. she keeps wandering & wondering. Solivagant. that’s what i am, that’s who i’ll be.

Swimming Lessons;

sometimes i get like really overwhelmed by this world. the sheer amount of existence and life just everywhere, on every corner, in every eye. it's weird when you sit and think about it. in one day alone you can pass by 10, 20, 30 people, maybe even 100s. and every single one of these people has a story. every. single. one. i just want to let that sink in. everyone has a life, and a past and future and a now.  sometimes they don't see it but I do. and what's so fascinating is that they all have a place in this world and every step they take makes a change. domino effect. ripples in the pond of this great big world of ours. drip drop drop. and it's funny, but it's sad too because a lot of people aren't even aware of what they are capable of. there's a distance in your eyes only mine can see. so i guess what i'm trying to say is everyone matters, and everything you do makes a change somehow. won't always be good, won't always be bad. but it will be something. and isn't that what's important?

Explain;

why's my head so fucked up?