Le Beirut;

That could have been me. 

Among the nurses working in the dark with nothing but flashlight to guide them.

Among the men and women grasping at the hands of those crushed around them.

Among the frightened and helpless and the brave and strong.

Yet here I am like so many others,

Children of the diaspora. 

Glued to screens, trapped across oceans and seas

But feeling every shard in our hearts. 

Immersing ourselves in guilt and shame for having ever left our homes. 

Homes that we grew to respect, to love, to cherish after years of tumultuous growth.

The city of lost youth, of bursting blooms, of endless nights under the stars

Art exploding on the walls of every zawarib, 

Stairs of turquoise, magenta, periwinkle blue 

Beirut ya Beirut 

My heart imploded with you 

My soul left behind in the soil of your earth now scattered across the land

My heart imploded with you

We shook and trembled with you, 

In Mourning we stand 

Watching from behind a glass wall as if trapped in a haze.

I await the day Beirut where you will rise again, 

The Phoenix in all its glory

Magnanimous.

Majestic. 

Magnificent once more.

Free.

Twelve;

we came/ we saw/ we loved/ we left
this was the year of growth.
spread your roots/ sprout towards the stars
the imagery of what has transpired
lightning sparks
nostalgia waves
so many moons, so many songs in the night;
driving in cars with boys
sing me sweetly, swing me deeply
the rain is falling and I will do nothing to stop
the drops on my lashes from drowning me.
i reach my hand out
& i realize it'll only ever meet my own.
this was the year of growth.
and my, how we've grown. 

Eleven;

i'm restless 

i'm restless

i'm restless

for whatever comes next;

how rich you must feel, enveloped in the arms that will never let you go/

how enlightened i feel for having witnessed anything at all;

treasured. withered. evolved. 

i'll tell you a secret, 

(come a little closer now)

there will always be something standing in your way,

until there's not.

the winds blew her to smithereens.

the rain battered her down.

the ice cemented in her bloodstream.

such sad brown eyes

but a better lover there never was.

a better love there never was.

twisted silence/please decipher

until she woke up anyway.

you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. 

i'll tell you another secret:

we haven't the faintest idea of how it will all turn out,

if anything i only become more confused with each year added to my life.

but we're becoming so much more, so much more.

and yes, i

fall apart a little bit every day, 

but i

am struggling gracefully 

and i

am growing magnanimously. 

muscle memory. 

Ten;

(i just wish i had some place else to move

to tell you the truth)

but isn't home just a state of mind?

oceans unknown, but i think i'd swim them for you.

all hallow's eve:

the night looms on/ 

it's cold now.

the sun blinds those who look too closely,

but the warmth that kisses her skin will always linger.

if we're being honest, it's all jumbled in my head a little

i left my heart behind in another land, buried my soul in the soil and walked away.

and still I wander through this maze, still I wonder what is a body without its core?

open wounds/ tears in the dark/ a smile for the camera

where will you lay your head for the night?

the cedars are burning/ 

the people will fight 

either you're in or out

i beg. i beg. i beg.

i can't stop running and i'm running out of places to run to

ground me 

(eyes lock)

but you let her go

Nine;

ya zaman, ya zaman, ya zaman

oh father time, she says

won't you slow down for me?

i don't think He can 

even if He wanted to

the oud is strung while the dervishes spin

&

there's little lines where her smile fades

but the mischievousness never will

grandmothers/grandfathers and all the love they'll never show

from a world her children do not know

from a world her parents were never from

(oh, generations)

your oriental mind weighs heavy now

the burden of another Atlas, they say

running/run/running

did you stop to see his smile in the sun?

there's a laugh carried by the wind 

i hear it now.

i see what i couldn't before,

the blur comes to a halt;

and there you are in front of me

and there i am in front of you.

Eight;

back.
back in your mother's arms.
jolt back to a different time/
strolling through the markets of your heart.
heart
conflicted hearts,
& damaged souls.
wistful dreams,
& mischievous adventures.
the future is yet to come they say but look he's at the door.
wedding cakes&birthday cakes;
they all taste much too sweet.
we are youth.
we are the youth.
we are youth.
and as the sun comes out to say farewell,
she's back again.
back where you needed to be/
back as if she'd never left/
she is home.

Seven;

we love but are not loved back
in the way we deserve
we give
all
we are consumed
complete me
we are no more than destroyed
hearts
and still we search
and still we search
and still we search
still we love
for what is a life without love?