Insecurities;

you're a liar if you say you're over it. I never wanted to still be sitting here, still hung up over everything and anything. i've been thinking that i think too much. i do, i really really do. and i don't know why. i want to see you, but i can't. i won't. i can't. everything's a mess again, but when is it not? this smile plastered on my face is starting to crack and people are starting to notice. i'm panicking, i need help holding up this weight on my shoulders, my knees are buckling. this is it, i'm falling. boom splat. breathe. breathe. remember the light. this is me looking into your head. I've cut through your skull already; it's all a matter of interpretation. what does your mind hold? am i in there? was i ever? if i say i was, then i'm self centered. if i say i'm not, then i have low self esteem. which i don't. but i do. i'm very indecisive today. i don't even think i liked purple until you linked it to me. i wasn't chill until you made me chill. i wasn't a user until you used me; cycles. i wasn't a bitch until i decided that i don't have time to be nice to everyone. i'm a wild card. but so were all of you. where do they all vanish to? if only you knew my story, the things i don't say, the thoughts i think. maybe then you wouldn't disappear on me. and you, all of you, one of you, none of you, i hope you'll one day find happiness. no i don't. i'm so close to naming the lot of you on here. and i'm so mad, mad all the time for you leaving me in the lurch. and it just keeps happening to me. over and over and over and over. i open up, you shut the door. and i want to be heartless, i need to shut the feelings out. but fuck it, i can't. i never learn, never will. just talk to me before i lose my mind. 

Runaways;

well i set out to write a post but then realized that this song actually says it all;

Untitled;

words.
they're always in my head. the words you said; the ones you didn't; the ones you haven't yet.
time travel hasn't been invented yet, right?
because i want to go back, i need to.
But it feels like there's oceans
Between you & me.
i don't know, i'm rambling again.
i have this terrible habit of self-destructing & i'm terrified that i'll detonate any minute.  
there's just so much to think about, to worry about, but all i want is to curl up with you & watch a bunch of stupid movies & read a thousand books & listen to depressing songs we can waltz to & just be. with you. & that might be asking for a lot but i'm asking anyway. 
i mean it's funny because i know you don't read this & there might be a couple people who think this is for them. as if they matter. but it's not for them, it's for you.
only you.  

Prayers;

May you find love when you least expect,
Where you least expect.
May the winds always carry you
where you want to go.
And may your smile never falter,
and your eyes never dull.
Just like the stars will always shine,
moon & sun forever intertwined;
Just like sparrows will always soar,
lavender blossoms infinitely in bloom;
May your heart forever more be ablaze.

Forever 21;

another year, another heartache. another year, another love. this life really is something, isn't it? the people that so easily become a second part of you/complete strangers within days. the incessant daydreams breaking you down never actually happen/the one thing you'd never had bet on miraculously does. stolen kisses & letters in envelopes/midnight rendezvous & birthday cake. make sense of it all, i dare you. are you even real? did any of that actually happen or am i simply imagining how just thinking about that moment still gives me butterflies/butterflies that are threatening to escape. another year, another post. this is it, right? the beginning of the end/the beginning of it all; then again, i've been saying that since i was sixteen. who's the dramatic one now?
is she happy? i think i'll be just fine.

Warped;

it's one of those blazingly bright days, reminiscent of when they first met. she's unaware that he's seen her, transfixed as if he's seen a ghost. but she does look up to finally see him. and after what feels like an eternity has passed, there's a certain sense of...weird. (hollow yet strangely fulfilling). they'd both thought about this happening, dreamed about it even. chance encounter of what would never be. but people change, and their dreams do too.
her hair's the same, maybe just a little thinner & lighter. her face is rounder and she has a tired look to her. but her eyes, no, those hadn't changed. surrounded by dainty wrinkles now, those were the eyes he'd never forgotten nor will he ever. he was haunted by those eyes that seemed to light up now as she strolled over to him. as if he'd never done what he did, as if she never cried like she had out of those very same eyes. he looked older too, more distinguished but just as tired as he'd always been. more gray in his robust beard, eyes just as dead as they'd always been. but it was him alright. awkward hug, pleasant small talk, the things they'd both once loathed. funny how time makes you change, makes you grow up. she's married now to a lovely man, 2 kids with another on the way. he's engaged to the love of his life that, as life would have it, wasn't her.
it's surreal, unreal, too real.
in another version of this, you tell me how you made a mistake all those years ago and it was the biggest regret of your life. We kiss and make up or I slap you in the face and walk away. In another, we're both already dead and then there's the one where we're too cowardly to even say hello. and then there's the reality that the whole scenario will never happen in the first place.
and then there's goodbye.

Storytime;

there was a lake. mythical & strange & shrouded in mysterious mysteries. and there was a girl, and there was a boy, and they were the best of friends. as children, they were warned to stay far, far away from the terrible lake, but as kids usually do, they did not listen. everyday at lunch, the girl would bring sandwiches & books and the boy his guitar & lemonade. and everyday, they'd sit just a little bit closer to the magnanimous water. and as time crept on, and the kids became older, they too grew closer. a love blossomed. innocent & pure, unheard of in quite some time in the lands they lived in. they did not care for riches and fame, only for the delight of each others company. and these children (for children they still were) forgot about the dangers of the lake. the stories they were once told, of illustrious silver-blue liquid that stole away your fears and dreams, of golden knights slayed by its sanguineous nature, of Nordic heroes falling into its treachery. for the lake was no ordinary lake, as i'm sure you've come to realize. filled with curses & spells of ancient times, it drew in those kind & bright of heart; the strong willed & adventurous; the cruel & skeptical. you see, it feasted on emotions; a toe in the water as it swirled systemically into the fool who dared venture too close. up & up & up it would sway and splash until nothing was left but a turquoise-tinged scaly fish. turquoise being for fear. opaque pearl for madness, sapphire for melancholy, garnet for bravery, so on & so forth. the waves crashed, the warriors succumbed and the children remained. as it were, the children were the epitome of emotion, for try as it might, the lake never did conquer illusive love. it was just one of those things, you know, those unattainable & disastrous things you can always reach for but, like the water itself, never hold. the lake needed it, for love was the strongest of all feelings; a mixture of everything and anything: fear, anxiety, rage, elation, hypocrisy, desire, passion...it had it all. love was the all encompassing sensation, love is love, all you need is love. without it, you have not lived and with it, well then you're the luckiest of them all. the lake was not so lucky and it was tired, tired of yearning & dreaming of what was so close yet farther than ever. it set a plan in motion; with every breeze, every drop of rain & clap of thunder, the lake would unleash all its power to lure in the unsuspecting lovers. and lure it did. the children crept closer, the lake pined for all they had, the cycle unrelenting.
and one day, had the lake not focused all its energy on them, it wouldn't have noticed the ripples made by the boy slowly walking past its shores, into its heart, deeper and deeper, the girl screaming bloody murder behind him. stuck in a transcendental trance, he walked on until there was no where else to walk. she followed.
and one day, two small & figurine amethyst hued fish, the only of their kind, appeared to swim infinitely in the lake's center.
one day, the lake found love.