Cantis;

1; all we seem to do is talk about sex
2; but my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
3; we all got old at breakneck speed
4; so you're standing in the parking lot of life/and you're trying to figure out your fate tonight
5; i don't love you baby/ i don't need you baby/ i don't want to love you anymore
6; you are my life/  i don't deserve you/ but you love me all the same
7; i'd rather be alone than let you ferment in my bones
8; there is consolation in the human failure of our dreams
9; give me therapy/ i'm a walking travesty/ but i'm smiling at everything
10; the color of your heart is so cold
11; i'll be fine i swear/i'm just gone beyond repair
12; & i'm just a shadow of your thoughts in me
13; run from the one who you know that you love
14; from the corner of my eye/ thought i saw a light shine
15; you let her go
16; hounds in my head
17; i stole my personality from an anonymous source
18; cuz i'm here wondering/ what could you be thinking
19; but don't mind me/ i'm just a parasite on your mind
20; old souls found a new religion/ now we swimming in that sin/ baptism
21; i think no one understands
22; i fell in love with a daydream
23; but on good days, i am charming as fuck
24; انت السم و الدواء

Insecurities;

you're a liar if you say you're over it. I never wanted to still be sitting here, still hung up over everything and anything. i've been thinking that i think too much. i do, i really really do. and i don't know why. i want to see you, but i can't. i won't. i can't. everything's a mess again, but when is it not? this smile plastered on my face is starting to crack and people are starting to notice. i'm panicking, i need help holding up this weight on my shoulders, my knees are buckling. this is it, i'm falling. boom splat. breathe. breathe. remember the light. this is me looking into your head. I've cut through your skull already; it's all a matter of interpretation. what does your mind hold? am i in there? was i ever? if i say i was, then i'm self centered. if i say i'm not, then i have low self esteem. which i don't. but i do. i'm very indecisive today. i don't even think i liked purple until you linked it to me. i wasn't chill until you made me chill. i wasn't a user until you used me; cycles. i wasn't a bitch until i decided that i don't have time to be nice to everyone. i'm a wild card. but so were all of you. where do they all vanish to? if only you knew my story, the things i don't say, the thoughts i think. maybe then you wouldn't disappear on me. and you, all of you, one of you, none of you, i hope you'll one day find happiness. no i don't. i'm so close to naming the lot of you on here. and i'm so mad, mad all the time for you leaving me in the lurch. and it just keeps happening to me. over and over and over and over. i open up, you shut the door. and i want to be heartless, i need to shut the feelings out. but fuck it, i can't. i never learn, never will. just talk to me before i lose my mind. 

Runaways;

well i set out to write a post but then realized that this song actually says it all;

Untitled;

words.
they're always in my head. the words you said; the ones you didn't; the ones you haven't yet.
time travel hasn't been invented yet, right?
because i want to go back, i need to.
But it feels like there's oceans
Between you & me.
i don't know, i'm rambling again.
i have this terrible habit of self-destructing & i'm terrified that i'll detonate any minute.  
there's just so much to think about, to worry about, but all i want is to curl up with you & watch a bunch of stupid movies & read a thousand books & listen to depressing songs we can waltz to & just be. with you. & that might be asking for a lot but i'm asking anyway. 
i mean it's funny because i know you don't read this & there might be a couple people who think this is for them. as if they matter. but it's not for them, it's for you.
only you.  

Prayers;

May you find love when you least expect,
Where you least expect.
May the winds always carry you
where you want to go.
And may your smile never falter,
and your eyes never dull.
Just like the stars will always shine,
moon & sun forever intertwined;
Just like sparrows will always soar,
lavender blossoms infinitely in bloom;
May your heart forever more be ablaze.

Forever 21;

another year, another heartache. another year, another love. this life really is something, isn't it? the people that so easily become a second part of you/complete strangers within days. the incessant daydreams breaking you down never actually happen/the one thing you'd never had bet on miraculously does. stolen kisses & letters in envelopes/midnight rendezvous & birthday cake. make sense of it all, i dare you. are you even real? did any of that actually happen or am i simply imagining how just thinking about that moment still gives me butterflies/butterflies that are threatening to escape. another year, another post. this is it, right? the beginning of the end/the beginning of it all; then again, i've been saying that since i was sixteen. who's the dramatic one now?
is she happy? i think i'll be just fine.

Warped;

it's one of those blazingly bright days, reminiscent of when they first met. she's unaware that he's seen her, transfixed as if he's seen a ghost. but she does look up to finally see him. and after what feels like an eternity has passed, there's a certain sense of...weird. (hollow yet strangely fulfilling). they'd both thought about this happening, dreamed about it even. chance encounter of what would never be. but people change, and their dreams do too.
her hair's the same, maybe just a little thinner & lighter. her face is rounder and she has a tired look to her. but her eyes, no, those hadn't changed. surrounded by dainty wrinkles now, those were the eyes he'd never forgotten nor will he ever. he was haunted by those eyes that seemed to light up now as she strolled over to him. as if he'd never done what he did, as if she never cried like she had out of those very same eyes. he looked older too, more distinguished but just as tired as he'd always been. more gray in his robust beard, eyes just as dead as they'd always been. but it was him alright. awkward hug, pleasant small talk, the things they'd both once loathed. funny how time makes you change, makes you grow up. she's married now to a lovely man, 2 kids with another on the way. he's engaged to the love of his life that, as life would have it, wasn't her.
it's surreal, unreal, too real.
in another version of this, you tell me how you made a mistake all those years ago and it was the biggest regret of your life. We kiss and make up or I slap you in the face and walk away. In another, we're both already dead and then there's the one where we're too cowardly to even say hello. and then there's the reality that the whole scenario will never happen in the first place.
and then there's goodbye.