"wrap me up in lavender thunder;"

Monday, December 22, 2014

Headspace;

It's amazing what I can get done while avoiding what I actually have to get done

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

1131;

"I always see the remedy in pain.
  I always the subtle gift & fidelity
  in angry quarrels & betrayals.
  When I look down, I don't see the earth.
  And when I look up,
  I don't see the vault of the sky.
  Whatever I glance at I see You."
   Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Free Falling;

I just want to know what the big deal is. Why are people incapable of saying what they're actually feeling, what they rehearse in their heads a million times before blurting something completely different out? Why do we feel the need to change what we feel in our hearts because we're scared, like frightened children in a pumpkin patch. Why can't I walk up to you and say "hey so I like you" or "why'd we lose touch" or "wow I actually can't stand you, bye". We hold on to these toxic emotions and let them overwhelm us until smoke is coming out of our ears. I don't see the harm and I don't understand the impending feeling of doom before saying something daring. We're brought up on Disney movies and fairytales depicting bravery and chivalry but when it comes down to it, in our modern/ mundane world, it's wasted. 
I know the steps, I've made this mistake so many times before. Your head gets enlarged with boasts and toasts and everyone tells you "you're so ballsy, look at you, telling people how you actually feel". And you go for it, no regrets, eyes closed and rushing into a free fall of pride and self worth. Until you crash and hit the ground and realize, fuck, you just made a complete fool of yourself. Good luck getting out of this one, they'll never let you live it down. And then those same people who practically pushed you off the cliff edge are all stepping back. Looking at you as if you were insane and had no idea what you were doing. Maybe you don't actually know but it was worth a shot, worth the exhilaration. Forget the doubt, you'll live with them opening their eyes and rejecting. But it always creeps back into your mind sometimes, when it's late and there's nothing else to think about. I try, I try so hard to not be forced into some shell of a life. I'll jump headfirst off that cliff, whether someone's there to catch me or not (there's usually not). But with every try, every act of some sort of twisted rebellion against human nature and awkwardness, I'm knocked back. So far back, I can't even see the cliff edge anymore. And I start my journey back to where I started, build it all back up, my walls, my defenses. But alas, they're never stronger than the beats of a feather.

Monday, November 17, 2014

When It Comes;

Someone I know once asked me a question, late during the dregs of Halloween night as we sat wasting idle time. "If you were dying, what's the last thing you would say?" I'm not sure if that was the correct wording but I'm sure you felt that general chill that comes with such a eerie notion, just as I did. What would you do? I mean, what are the circumstances? Who am I talking to here? Is it someone I love, someone I know, someone I hate? Am I old and withered or was I eviscerated by a driver raging down the night streets? I mean it's such a funny thing to think about, death I mean. Everyone wants to know where we go and what will happen to our souls as our bodies disintegrate into nothing more than soil and worms. There's "the heaven and hell" theory, the "we become one with the wind" mindset, the "when we're dead, we're dead" ideology. It all depends on what you choose to believe in, I guess. Does it scare you? The unknown? The mastery and the mystery of it all, swirling around in fogs of misconception and never really knowing when it will strike. Take your breath away. Everyone's so concerned with what purse she's carrying or what car he's driving, they forget to stop and think and see the beauty in everyday, the light in every person's eyes. Appreciate it. Trust me, it'll be black before you even realize.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Revelations;



i think i just had an epiphany. while listening to this song and drinking hot cocoa and fixing a broken door (and no. that's not a metaphor, my door actually broke and a shoe was used as a hammer and it was all very confusing and ridiculous looking). but i think things will be better from now on. or at least i hope they will. that's all i can do. that's all i do. sit and hope, hope and sit. and pray that if i can just get my erratic and tangled thoughts together for just like 10 minutes, i can figure something out and make sense of what the fuck is going on and just breathe. just. breathe.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Inquisition;

i ask too many questions. like way too many. i warn you, it will probably get uncomfortable, my ambush of inquiries. sit with me and you'll basically be bombarded with inquisitive curiosities, the thoughts that trouble my mind. if the sky wasn't blue, what color would you want it to be? it's my secret weapon, my ability to ask the obvious, to pry into the deepest parts of your mind without you even realizing. or maybe you do, and i'm left thinking i'm a lot better at hiding my intentions than i actually am. it's an interpretation of the wiles, a peek into the maze of our tangled souls. it's how i break the ice, silence the white noise. i want to know more, i want to discover, i want to breathe. breathe you in, talk endlessly for hours about the puzzles of the universe, the mysteries of our hearts. i guess i'm just curious to hear what you'll come up with.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Knights;

Words may be my shield,
rhymes my counterstrike.
The pen is my sword.
I live in a world of my own,
trapped in a haze of reality versus imagination.
My simple weapons,
aiding in a war all my own.
A private battle of wit & mind,
futile attempts to break free,
yet they are,
and probably will always be,
my victory.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Boy Meets Girl;

it was all very typical. boy sees girl, girl sees boy. they were at a party or a concert, somewhere loud; the where and whens aren't important anymore. to be honest, a lot about that night is long forgotten, except for when he took that final swig of his drink, as if it would boost his confidence somehow, shrugged off his letter-man jacket and made his way over to the girl with big hair & big eyes in a cotton dress and black tights. she looked up at him & smiled and it warmed every inch of his soul, made him crave more. if just her smile has me shaking, he thought. they made their way to somewhere quiet, "to talk" he said. but, the funny thing was, he couldn't think of anything to say when he finally got her alone. he could only stare at the scattered freckles on her nose, the chocolate curls framing her soft face, the fierceness in her eyes as she stole glances at him. she didn't look him in the eye, somehow always alluding his gaze. eventually she piped up.
"i like your shirt", she said. he looked down and smirked.
"yea? i like it too", he says. he liked it more now that she did.
so, guess i should warn you," she says. "i'm not your typical girl."
"and who said i'm your typical boy?"
from there on, it was easy. the words flowed and he got to look into those magnificent eyes of hers, like windows looking out onto a world he'd never understand. in those timeless moments, he realized he was falling in love. falling, head first, stumbling over all logic, in love with a girl, a person he had never met before, had never spoken to before tonight. would life ever be the same? was this what love did? did he even believe in love before seeing her lips curl into a smile? hearing her obnoxiously adorable laugh? he didn't know and he didn't care.
"one last question, before we go", he asks.
"and what would that be?"
"give me something to walk away with, what's your take on tonight?", he says.
she let out a devilish laugh, and with a shrug of the shoulders, said, "you tell me." and with that, she kissed him, gently on the cheek and softly whispered in his ear, "see ya around." and then she skipped, yea she literally skipped, right out of that room or car or wherever they were. and that boy sat watching her go, head reeling, before he came to his senses and ran right out after her.

Oodles of Doodles;

i don't draw much (mostly because i'm not very good at it) but when i do, it's normally in class #verybadhabit; but anyway, this is one of my recents. it's sorta like when the rain's bringing you down or anything really, strut your stuff. remember that you're fabulous and you can handle anything and just rock who you are. This also may or may not be a self portrait...I'll get back to you on that.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Guess Who;

(first/last impressions)
  • he had the most interesting name/ i found him on Instagram but couldn't manage to press the follow button
  •  i beat him in a race and he cried/ i haven't seen him since
  • she told me she was psychic/ she wrote me a letter goodbye
  • she asked me if my people were evil/ she liked my profile picture on Facebook
  • i told her a secret/ she didn't keep it 
  • i wanted to be her when i grew up/ i follow her fashion blog
  • i liked her purple hair and quirky attitude/ we could have been the best of friends
  • her eyes were the biggest i had ever seen (and that's including my own)/ she just finished class (i have to include that she's my best friend or she'll never forgive me #hizee #shoutouttomyhomegirl)
  •  100% thought she was conniving and two faced/ still do
  • i don't remember/ she blocked me as if i was the one who did something wrong 
  • he was zach braff's doppleganger/ i tried to help him get his girl back, but she was no longer his to keep
  • i noticed the metal in his arm and his nervous smile/ i flew home 
  • we met at a funeral/ i realized he was never going to become the man i wanted to marry
  • he was a skinny boy on the beach with a goofy smile/ we lost touch
  • i thought he was indian, but then i remembered we were in lebanon/ i broke his heart
  • she had hair like mine and read just as fast as me/ we were hipster before hipster was even a thing
  • he made a point/ he made his point
  • she was effortlessly in love with what she did/ i got an A in her class 
  • there was something about his eyes  + he bought me goldfish (bonus points)/ no amount of time travel can make you fall in love with someone
  • i thought she was crazy/ turns out she actually is, but the good kind 
  • i thought he was crazy/ turns out he is, but not the good kind
  • he teased and borderline bullied me/ he's my homeboy now 
  • we met in a taxi (very ethan hawke meets julie delpy a la before sunrise) and i thought, "why is this boy talking to me?"/ he didn't ask for my number
  • he was a complete enigma/ still is
  • he was always in the back of my mind/ he's all i think about
i think the point of all this is reflection. to reflect on past mistakes and realize that they were made for reasons we can't comprehend yet. you take what you can from them and trudge onwards through this messy life we'll never get used to and one day you'll reach a point and think back and say, "that's where it all fell into place."  at least that's what i think.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Moonlight;

Follow the moon to the heavens.
Let it guide you through the dark,
deep depths of your mind.
The moon is your friend, the night your disguise
It hides your fears & shadows your dismay.
Illuminating through the gloom, through the blackness.
Follow the moon to your heaven
because Lord knows,
it's time to leave.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Winter;

It's early morning. The rain's stopped to just a drizzle now, and it's a comforting back drop to the scene she's living. Pen in one hand, paper in the other. Hair up in that messy confusion of frizz and curls. If only the fire hadn't gone out. Bliss and perfection. Her legs curled up underneath her, maroon yarn wrapped tight as her mind begins to tumble and create. Sipping hot cocoa, warm and soothing. She's caught a marshmallow and a crystal laugh escapes her. These are the happy moments, these are the fleeting emotions.